Sunday, July 21, 2024

Breaking News: I Will Now Appear in 3D Only


42159 3 D glasses 90x90 Breaking News: I Will Now Appear in 3D OnlyI realize that I can no longer hold out. So I am making this announcement today.

Because of the enormous success of “Avatar,” and because the last two “Harry Potter” movies are going to be filmed similarly, I’ve decided to appear only in 3D from now on.

This decision first occurred to me while I was watching Barbra Streisand being filmed by Paul Haggis during the recording of “We Are the World.” Barbra, someone said, is in 3D! She’s never done that before.

Of course, the person who said this was young and didn’t realize that Streisand had groundbreakingly been in 3D a lot before, for all of her 67 years. She just hadn’t announced it. And of course, she didn’t go in public much. I’d seen her at a party with a lot of movie stars just a few weeks earlier. All of those stars were 3D as well, including Elton John, Shirley MacLaine, and Joan Collins.

They just hadn’t mentioned it to anyone.

At the “We Are the World” taping, Barbra said aloud, “I wonder how my nose will look in 3D.” But of course her nose had always been in 3D. Again, no one had brought it up. But you could walk up to it, touch it, walk around it. It felt like her nose was right there with you! When she sneezed, you felt like offering a hanky. This was before even “Yentl,” dating all the way back to “The Ed Sullivan Show.”

How will I maintain my new 3D disposition? For one thing, I will always be seen with objects around me at various distances. Thus, I will have depth. Not the kind of depth of a deep thinker, but a sense of depth around me, to my sides, in front and behind, above and below. People will feel as they get near me, I feel like I could stick my hand out and touch him.

Just don’t, please.

Another good thing about my plan: My technicians have worked so hard on new discoveries that special glasses needn’t be worn to see me in 3D. If one wants, you may wear glasses, in particular sunglasses and hopefully expensive ones. I like Prada, Gucci and Chanel. But unlike with other kinds of 3D attractions, no spectacles will be necessary. You’ll be able to see me in 3D by the naked eye.

I am not an inventor. I liken my announcement to when’ Madonna put out a record called “Vogue” five years after people started Vogueing in discos. But she synthesized the phenomenon. That’s what I am hoping to do with my decision to go 3D. Some people may not believe me at first. That’s why I will carry’a water pistol with me. And maybe a joy buzzer.

Roger Friedman
Roger Friedman
Roger Friedman began his Showbiz411 column in April 2009 after 10 years with Fox News, where he created the Fox411 column. His movie reviews are carried by Rotten Tomatoes, and he is a member of both the movie and TV branches of the Critics Choice Awards. His articles have appeared in dozens of publications over the years including New York Magazine, where he wrote the Intelligencer column in the mid 90s and covered the OJ Simpson trial, and Fox News (when it wasn't so crazy) where he covered Michael Jackson. He is also the writer and co-producer of "Only the Strong Survive," a selection of the Cannes, Sundance, and Telluride Film festivals, directed by DA Pennebaker and Chris Hegedus.

Read more

In Other News