Home Television TV Review: Everything Happened Tonight on “Game of Thrones,” Nothing Happened on...

This is just a rant. But hey– two hours of my life are gone.

“Twin Peaks” was the usual WTF? Nothing happened, as usual. In the first 20 minutes, there was a lot of the two Agent Coopers– Dougie Jones and evilCoop. Don Murray, bless his heart, 88, years old, was the best actor on the show.

During the first part, nothing happened in “Twin Peaks” proper. I guess it was all in Las Vegas, where Dougie’s been living and working in a walking coma. Tom Sizemore — alive, well, not in jail– had dandruff. There was lots of meta talk about coffee and cherry pie. EvilCooper arm wrestled the Jolly Green Giant to death, then killed Ray, who thought he’d killed EvilCooper in Episode 8. There was some significance about a ring and the Red Room.

In the second part, there is an actual return to Twin Peaks. Grant Goodeve, the eldest son on “Eight is Enough,” seems to have franchised Norma’s diner using cheap ingredients. (This is some kind of artistic metaphor.) Norma and Ed are still not together after 25 years. Ed’s eye patched wife Nadine has gotten electic curtains. James sings like Lou Christie at the Roadhouse. It’s awful. Audrey is still debating going to the Roadhouse to find “Billy” from last week. Her husband, a strange little man, indicated that she may be in a coma, hallucinating, or a character in some kind of fiction he’s writing.

For the second week in a row, Sarah Palmer (Grace Zabriskie) has a long, odd scene of no particular meaning. She smokes and drinks a lot.

This should have been the first episode. Shelly spoke to the daughter (Amanda Seyfried) she has with Bobby about pie. Bobby had the second most important line when he told Norma and Ed that he’d found some things belonging to his father. For some reason, the late Major Briggs is key to solving the grueling 18 hour puzzle.

So basically nothing happened unless you really knew “Twin Peaks” minutiae.

Meanwhile, everything happened on “Game of Thrones.” Best battle scene ever. HBO actually paid for real dragons. The harrowing fight left Jaime Lannister’s life as a cliffhanger. When the west coast hears all this and tunes in, ratings will be astronomical. We’ll get them on Tuesday.

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