Friday, May 24, 2024

Ireland Baldwin Tells Newborn Baby Sister Carmen: “I Will Wine and Dine You”


Ireland Baldwin, Alec Baldwin’s 19 year old daughter, just posted a letter to new born (today) sister, Carmen. Alec and Hilaria Baldwin welcomed their baby girl this afternoon. She’s Alec’s second child, Hilaria’s first. Ireland has a lot of advice for the baby, from parents to school to partying. It’s very sweet.

Happy Birthday

Dear Carmen,

You have entered the world! Welcome! We have all been anticipating your arrival! By we, I mean a lot of people. Girl, you haven’t even met them, but there are a ton of people who care about you. I’m not sure where exactly to begin. There are so many things I want to tell you, though it is best that you discover those truths on your own. There are countless lessons that I want to teach you, but I have faith that you will learn a majority of them on your own journey and they will help you grow. Though, I do want to take this opportunity to share the little knowledge I do have on a few things. You will eventually make your own decisions, but hopefully you will listen to and use the knowledge I have gained from my past experiences and from the results of my many mistakes. Here is a list. Simply the most complicated list of lists. You won’t understand some of it, I’m sure. Or… maybe you will? Maybe you are some kind of genius. Rocket Scientist. Maybe you have a future at NASA or some shit. I’m very bad at math, so let us all pray that you got the math gene. Maybe you will never encounter any of the following. In case you do, you’ll have a few guidelines. Trust me. I sure wish I had an experimental, older, wild child of a sister. I would have been way better off. So here I am. Hopefully by the time you read and understand this, we’ll be best friends, sitting in some rad coffee shop in Brooklyn, talking about bands and how hot Channing Tatum used to be hot. Maybe cars will be hovering and shit. Anyways. Here it goes. Take it or leave. Live it, learn it, love it.

1. REMEMBER THAT YOUR PARENTS WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. As a kid, you forget that sometimes. When they are screaming about this and bickering about that. It hurts. Grown ups yell. I don’t know why, but they do. No matter what your mom or Dad says or does, simply remember that they love the shit out of you. NEVER forget it.

2. WALK AWAY. This applies to arguments. Especially with your parents. I have said many things to our Dad and to my mom that I regret terribly. I have hurt their feelings countless times. It isn’t worth it. Don’t dish shitty things right back at them. Don’t say things out of anger. You will get extremely annoyed with your parents. TRUST ME. Parents are cray cray and sometimes you want to just put a muzzle on it. BUT they don’t make muzzles for parents and again, it just isn’t worth it. Just say you’re sorry and leave it at that.

3. ENJOY YOUR CHILD HOOD AND YOUR TEENAGE YEARS!!!! I grew up way too fast. I always hung out with an older crowd. I always wanted to do what the big kids were doing. I always wanted to date older boys. It is ok to have older friends. That’s not the point. The point is, act your age, not your area code. If you’re 11, be 11. If you’re 16, BE 16. Love it. I am currently 17 years old and I am worrying about things that I have no clue why I am even worrying about them! One of these days, you will own your own home and pay all these lame bills. Enjoy not having to pay bills. Seriously.

4. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. In elementary school, you may not necessarily care about your outward appearance as much. For me, I started to care in Middle School. I started to compare myself to my classmates and to my friends. I would come home and sob for hours because I had super rosy red cheeks and hairy legs because I didn’t know razors were a thing. We’ll get into shaving later. In high school, I started to care about other’s opinions of me too often and I began to hate my body. I simply wasn’t good enough for my own two eyes. You may be as awkward as a hillbilly at the opera in middle school and part of high school, but believe me, you will grow out of it! Don’t beat yourself up! Eating clean and staying fit won’t be difficult for you considering your mom is the Dalai Lama of yoga and eats beyond healthy. Enjoy your pizza parties and your Starbucks. I’m sure you and I will bake together and go on milkshake dates. We can even workout together. I’ll always be your gym buddy. Just remember, the happiest girl in the room is the prettiest girl. By projecting your inner beauty, you will shine.

5. ALCOHOL, WEED, AND PARTIES, OH MY! Maybe you won’t give it a shit about any of it. Maybe you’ll wait till college or maybe you’ll be a nun from an early age. When you want to try your first drink, it’ll should be with me. I will take you to a nice restaurant. That’s right Carmen, I will wine and dine you. By wine, I mean you can take a few sips of mine but don’t get too crazy. Don’t be that girl that get’s wasted at parties and crawls on bathroom floors. It ain’t cute. Luckily, I’ve never there, but I have gotten too drunk. Usually I would just pet people like farm animals and turn into a lesbotron and try to kiss a bunch of girls. I know right?! EWWWWWW. Your mom and dad I’m sure will give you the hoe down about drinking and driving and always keeping your eye on your cup. I’m not here to give you the advice that your parents are going to give you. This is my own advice.  As for weed, don’t smoke it at a party. Be somewhere safe. With people you trust. Like in a treehouse with me and pizza hut…I… I mean friends. Not me. Ha. I’ll be like… 40….  But I’ll still come anyway. BE SMART. Trust your gut. If you don’t want to do it, say no. I’ll probably be parked in a minivan outside of your parties with binoculars….So no funny business.

6. DON’T SAY YES TO EVERYTHING. Learn how to say no to plans. Do what you want to do and what you think will be worth it. Don’t spread yourself too thin and make plans with a bunch of people. I would say yes to all these plans because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Sometimes, I would end up not doing anything at all and I ended up hurting everyone’s feelings!

7. TELL THE TRUTH. The truth will set you free. Lying is for cowards. As hard as it may be, always give the honest answer.

8. BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST. You have parents who are in the public eye.  A lot of people are going to want to be your friend because of it. Don’t buy everyone dinner or tickets to the One Direction reunion concert because you feel obligated to do it. Make sure your friends love you for who YOU are, Carmen. NO other reason. I have made so many friends. I have had my heartbroken countless times because I had to learn that I should never have trusted them. I sure learned it the hard way. I, on the other hand, will always be a friend that you can trust. You can tell me anything. You can tell me you’re into chicks…or you have a weird mole on your nipple…or you got an F on a test…anything. Whatever you tell me is between us. Tell me and I will do my best to help you through anything.

9. SCHOOL IS COOL. Ok. School SUCKS. Like….SUUUUUUUCKS. Trust me. I know. It is hard. Luckily, you’ve got two incredibly smart parents who will help you with all your homework and studying. Dad is a man of impeccable wisdom in history and language arts. He will get you through. Stick it through, kid! Even when you are in 11th grade and you’ve got your face planted in a pile of notecards at 3 am and you just want to scream, don’t give up. I have had moments in school where I was so behind in my work not because I couldn’t do it, but because I let the things that bothered outside of school interfere with my schoolwork. Don’t get behind. Do your homework. Turn it in. Just do it! When you see all those A’s on your report card, you will be so proud of yourself. Also, a B isn’t a bad thing. Don’t beat yourself up. Do the best you can, but make sure you are pushing yourself. For every A on your report cards, I will take you for drinks. I mean. Shirley temples at Cheesecake factory. We can get cheesecake and shit talk the bitches in your grade. BUT HEY. BE KIND! Kill them with kindness! Don’t say anything to anyone or about anyone that you wouldn’t want said about you! You have to be nice to those bitches in school, but we can make a burn book together in private.

10. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN… BOYS. They will drive you insane. In the beginning, they’ll tease you and pull your hair and tie your shoe laces together. Don’t worry though. They aren’t being dicks. Surprisingly, they are flirting with you. Weird right?!?! As you get older, they only get weirder. You’ll get these weird things called crushes. You’ll actually find the grotsesque species attractive. And waaaaaaaaay after that, you’ll get urges to play tonsil hockey with them. EWWWWWW. Just remember, always look for someone who respects you. Someone who loves you for the beautiful soul that you possess. Never let a boy abuse you. Physically or verbally. The moment a boy messes with you, he will be very sorry. Between Dad and I…OH IT’S ON. But in all seriousness, be with a boy who treats you like you are his world. You are going to have your pick of the boys, believe me. But I have to approve of them. Oh, and we’re going to sit together and watch reruns of this old show called 16 and Pregnant. I know it’s going to be boring and outdated, but it’s going to give you a little perspective.

I love you, Carmen. You have been born into one crazy family. You are both lucky and cursed at the same time. We are going to have so fun much fun together. I can’t wait to meet you soon. I promise you I will always be there for you no matter what! Never forget!

– Your big sister,


Roger Friedman
Roger Friedman
Roger Friedman began his Showbiz411 column in April 2009 after 10 years with Fox News, where he created the Fox411 column. His movie reviews are carried by Rotten Tomatoes, and he is a member of both the movie and TV branches of the Critics Choice Awards. His articles have appeared in dozens of publications over the years including New York Magazine, where he wrote the Intelligencer column in the mid 90s and covered the OJ Simpson trial, and Fox News (when it wasn't so crazy) where he covered Michael Jackson. He is also the writer and co-producer of "Only the Strong Survive," a selection of the Cannes, Sundance, and Telluride Film festivals, directed by DA Pennebaker and Chris Hegedus.

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