This is a total rumor but it’s enough of a spit-take that I thought I’d mention it. Madonna is said to be hosting a “bar mitzvah” tomorrow morning for son Rocco Ritchie. Rocco is not yet 13– his birthday is August 1st. And he’s not Jewish in any way. Those are the two requirements for bar mitzvah– to be 13 years of age and to be Jewish either born or converted.
Rocco’s father is Guy Ritchie, the director of “Sherlock Holmes” and “Snatch.” He is not Jewish. Moreover, Madonna Louise Ciccone Penn Ritchie was born Roman Catholic.
Of course, the service is said to be at the Kabbalah Center in New York. The Kabbalah Center isn’t a synagogue. It’s a pay-for-pray facility, a cult run by the Berg family. The Bergs– Karen and her two sons, Yehuda and Michael, are said to be in New York for the big occasion. No word on Karen’s boyfriend, Muki, or her not-seen-anymore husband Philip.
If Rocco is being “bar mitzvah”-ed, I can only imagine the ceremony: lithe dancers with headsets sinewing around the “bimah”– the stage– wearing all white– Kabbalah Center people wear all white. First, a Vogueing service. Then: A candle lighting ceremony in which Madonna’s boytoys like Brahim and Jesus are called to the front. And then everyone throws $26 red strings at Rocco. Copies of Madonna’s “Sex” book are given to guests as parting gifts. Sounds like fun.
Since my invite was lost in the mail, I won’t be in attendance. And I had a nice fountain pen all picked out for Rocco! I hope Mercy and David Banda, the children Madonna got in Malawi, try the kugel and someone from the singer’s family pinches their cheeks. And Madonna is lifted up during “Hava Negillah” in an expensive antique chair.
Or maybe none of this is true, it’s just Tevye’s nightmare from indigestion.