Today, we vote for Mayor in New York.

Well, it’s kind of a joke, see? We only have one choice: Mike Bloomberg. He’s spent $900 million zillion running against himself. The other guy, whose name no one can remember, is a non-starter. If he ran the city, everything would just stop. So, forget that.

I don’t know if I can rouse myself to actually vote for Bloomberg. He subverted the system and overrode two referendums concerning term limits so he could run a third time. Will he do it again, for a fourth term? You betcha. My feeling is: term limits were voted in twice. I didn’t vote for them, but it doesn’t matter. The public wanted them. Then Bloomberg didn’t want them. So they disappeared.

Two things I want from Mike Bloomberg this time around. First, I want Times Square returned to its former traffic pattern. Real New Yorkers also want the removal of cheap chairs and tables from the middle of the street. We want the end of concrete turning lanes. Get the parked cars out of the middle of the street. Restore Broadway so it’s possible to drive down New York’s most famous thoroughfare. The only people sitting in those chairs are tourists. The only thing the chair experiment has proven is that if you put a seat anywhere, people will sit in it. Not New Yorkers. People from Kansas. New Yorkers are whizzing by, on foot, by car, on bikes, whatever, and shaking their heads. Some are cursing (I’m not saying who, I’m just sayin’.)

Really: Broadway in the 50s is a disgrace. It’s one lane! Lets get back to normal. Mike, there are gigantic plant pots at every intersection. Down at 23rd and Broadway, some kind of shopping village has popped up. Isn’t it bad enough that you’ve turned the city over to those god awful, mice-producing, traffic snarling street fairs?

Second: it’s time for legislation about coat hooks in public bathrooms. Every men’s stall in New York City must have a proper coat hook for a sport jacket and over coat. Too many times, especially at Starbucks, we are hanging the coats from the large overhead hinge on the door. This is disgraceful. A coat hook costs pennies.

Mike, I don’t expect much more. The homeless have returned, there isn’t enough housing for the old or poor, there are tons of For Rent signs on commercial properties, pot holes, and many other issues. In the last four years, the city has lost a ton of cultural landmarks like CBGB, the Bottom Line, Joe Jr., all of our book and record stores, Tavern on the Green is in peril. New York University keeps bulldozing Greenwich Village. Sixth Avenue in the 20s looks like the Shady Hills Mall. There’s actually a J.C. Penney ‘ something I thought I would not live to see ‘ in Herald Square. Right above more tables and chairs! It’s an abomination. Soon, I’m sure, there will be egg in egg creams. Forget 2012. The apocalypse is now.

Mike, I understand you live in Bermuda on the weekends, you came from Boston or Canada originally, so none of this really matters to you. So concentrate on Times Square and coat hooks, and we’re all set. Let me put it this way: I won’t vote against you.

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